


Against All Odds

by KatB



Category: British Actor RPF, Tom Hiddleston - Fandom
Genre: Awkwardness, Bad Matchmaking, Creampie, F/M, False Impression, First Impressions, Friendship, Kissing, Love/Hate, Matchmaking, Multiple Orgasms, Orgasm, Sex, Understanding, Vaginal Fingering, commitment issues, prejudices, taking it slow
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-30
Updated: 2018-07-07
Packaged: 2019-04-30 10:03:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 17,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14494551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KatB/pseuds/KatB
Summary: In an attempt to help their best friends, Ben and Sophie decide to introduce Tom Hiddleston to Sophie's friend Lily. The effort seems to be wasted when Lily reveals how she feels about the actor. But fate keeps pushing the two of them together.





	1. Matchmaking

„I am so glad you finally found some time for us“, Sophie said and ushered Lily into the kitchen. „Please tell me you can have a glass of wine?“

Lily nodded. „I am not on call tonight, so wine it is.“

„Excellent“, Ben chimed in and quickly poured a glass of red wine before handing it to Lily. „It's good to see you again“, he said while hugging her quickly.

„I am glad too. And sorry for not making it earlier. But things have been slightly crazy at work. Which is the understatement of the year. I am still trying to find my way around.“ Lily leaned against the kitchen counter and sipped on her wine. She knew that it wouldn't take much to get her drunk but she decided not to care for the moment.

„Are you still shuffling between all three places?“, Sophie asked as she stirred the lamb stew.

Lily sighed. „Yes, I am. And it will stay like that. I honestly don't know what I thought agreeing to that contract. I thought it would be a great deal and keep things from getting boring. But nothing about that job is ever boring. The past three years have been so different for me. It was almost like living in a bubble and I think I pretty much forgot what life and work in a big city are like.“

„I'm sure you'll get used to it again“, Ben said but sounded a bit uncertain. Before Lily could answer, the door bell rang. „I'll get it.“ With that, he rushed out the door.

„Are you expecting someone else?“, Lily asked and couldn't help but notice the rather guilty look on Sophie's face.

„Listen...tonight isn't just about catching up with old friends.“ Lily raised an eyebrow at her. „Ben and I invited a friend to join us for dinner.“

„Why?“ Lily felt a slight anger rise inside her.

Sophie took a deep breath. „Because you are 35 now and all you've done so far in your life is study and work. The last guy you seriously dated was my brother and that was...what...15 years ago?! You're young, you're beautiful and you need to put yourself out there. Otherwise you will never have the family you always wanted to have.“ Lily closed her eyes for a second, trying to surpress the sting to her heart that she always felt when the matter of starting a family was mentioned. There had been many times where she wanted to tell Sophie the truth about everything, and she did again now. But she knew that it was not the right time. „You need to start dating. So we thought we'd introduce you to a friend who might just be what you're looking for.“

„You invited me here for a set up date??“

„Well...no...yes...kind of.“ Sophie smiled at her. „Come on! Just see how things go. You have been back in London for more than four months now and so far, you haven't done anything fun. Let's change that tonight.“

Lily was tempted to just grab her things and leave. She was tired after her shift and really not in the mood for flirting. But she knew that both Sophie and Benedict just meant well. So she flushed down her anger with a big sip of red wine. „Okay, but this better be good...“

Sophie looked up and flashed a big smile at the man who had just entered the kitchen with Ben. She walked over to him and hugged him before turning around to Lily.

„Tom, this is Lily. Lily, this is our dear friend...“

„Tom Hiddleston...yeah, I know“, Lily interrupted her and crossed her arms in front of her body.

„I didn't know we would have company tonight“, the actor said to his friends, looking almost as confused as Lily had just moments ago.

„We just...thought you two should meet“, Ben replied and winked at his friend.

It took him a moment to realise, but then Tom smiled. „I see. Well, in this case...hello, lovely to meet you.“ He held out his hand to Lily.

She scanned him, her arms still crossed. „Can I talk to you?“, she finally broke the silence and dragged Sophie behind her into the living room.

„Lily, what the...“

„Please tell me you're kidding“, she snapped at Sophie louder than she had intended to.

„Why?“

„Why?! Sophie, you know what I think of the guy. You know how I feel about him both as a person and as an actor. So why would you even introduce me to him?“

Sophie rolled her eyes. „Would you please just take the time to get to know him?“

„No! I have no interest in getting to know him. He's arrogant and self-absorbed. He's fake. Everything about him and his image is fake. His need for attention and approval is sickening. He's a priviledged boy who thinks he's better than everybody else. See?! I don't need to get to know him. I can already tell you what kind of person he is.“ Lily was surprised by how appaled she was by him. But he was a person she never wanted to know.

„Lily, please don't be ridiculous! He is nothing like that. Or do you think he and Ben would be best friends if he was?!“

Lily had to admit that there was a certain truth to that, but it didn't change her mind on wanting to get to know him. „Listen, I will go back in there and sit down and be civil for the rest of the evening. Not because I want anything to do with him, but because I'm starving. I haven't had a proper meal in almost a week and whatever you're cooking smells delicious. So I'm staying for that. But please don't expect me to make conversation with him. And don't ever pull a stunt like that on me again.“

An hour later, after an awkwardly silent dinner, all four of them were sitting around the dinner table, staring at their wine glasses. Sophie and Ben had tried to get a conversation going several times, but Lily had always managed to shut it down. And she was proud of it. She hoped that if she stayed silent for long enough, he might go away on his own.

Instead, he broke the silence. „So Lily, what do you do for a living?“

„Please, spare yourself the trouble“, she replied and looked directly into his eyes for the first time. „I am neither an actress nor a singer or a model. I'm not someone you can tag along as an accessory. I won't be impressed by your fame or your fake smile. So just save yourself some time and leave me alone.“

„I...um...“ Tom looked positively lost. „What makes you think that I want an accessory?“

„Because you are that type of man.“

„Lily, please...“, Sophie tried to calm the situation.

„No no, I want to hear this“, Tom interrupted her, his tone still polite, but serious.

Lily emptied her wine glass and then turned to him again. „You are the kind of man who pretends to be understanding and tolerant and submissive. You use your charm to get what you want. And you know that your looks and your name will always get you any woman you want. Because they all want you. They fall for the smiles and the blue eyes and your boyish attitude. You pretend to be humble because you know that they will all tell you how great they think you are. And that's what you actually live for...the praise, the compliments. You use an act to charm your way through life. But let me tell you, it won't work on me. I couldn't be less interested in anything you have to offer. So please, spare me the fake flattery. And now...“ She pushed back her chair and quickly got up from the table. „...please excuse me. I've had enough of this. I have an early shift tomorrow and this just isn't worth giving up my beauty sleep.“ With that, she grabbed her bag and stormed out the door.

Sophie buried her face in her hands while Ben reached over and put his hand on Tom's shoulder. „Man, I am so sorry. This is not at all how we thought this would go...“

„Really?!“, Tom replied, no longer trying to hide his disappointment. „What made you think that she was someone I should meet? And...why did you even set this up?“

„We were just trying to help“, Sophie tried to explain. „She's usually a lovely girl. She dated my brother for several years. A lot of things happened during that time and she pretty much became family. So I care about her. She's one of my closest friends and just as single as you are.“

„We just thought you two might get along“, Ben added.

„Get along? That woman hates me! I don't know what I ever did to her, but she hates me.“ Tom still couldn't believe his friends would put im in a situation like that.

„She doesn't hate you“, Sophie corrected him. „She's just...bitter. I watched her turn into someone else over the years. She has trained herself to be a robot, but deep down she is just as affectionate as you are. Seriously, if you knew her...“

Tom raised his hand to stop her. „Honestly, I don't care. This was a wasted evening. It was lovely to see you both and the food was amazing as always. But this is the kind of encounter nobody needs to have. I'm sorry, but I am done for today.“

After wishing both of them goodnight, Tom left the house almost as quickly as Lily had.

Alone again, Ben turned to Sophie. „I knew that she wasn't too fond of him, but I never expected this. Did you know that she felt about him that way?“

Sophie shook her head. „Believe me, I have no idea where this is coming from. But something tells me that this isn't over yet.“

 


	2. Misjudged

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The paths of Tom and Lily cross again and he learns something about her that he never expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My lovelies,
> 
> just to make one thing clear...my knowledge on medical training comes from a few minutes of online research and years of watching "Grey's Anatomy". But apart from that, I have no idea how medical training actually works. It's very much possible that the timeline I came up with for Lily is completely unrealistic. If it is, then I apologise already. But it's a work of ficton and the "facts" in there all serve a purpose to the plot. So I have you can forgive me for certain inaccuracies.
> 
> Enjoy and stay naughty! ;-)
> 
> xx

Just as Lily settled down on the couch with a cup of tea and a book she had been meaning to read for ages, the door bell rang.

„Oh for fuck's sake...“ She rolled her eyes and then slowly made her way to Ben and Sophie's front door, wondering who it could be. She opened the door and found herself looking into Tom Hiddleston's blue eyes. It was still raining and he apparently lacked an umbrella because he was soaking wet.

„What are you doing here?“, he asked completely taken by surprise.

„I could ask you the same thing“, Lily snapped.

„Are you going to let me in or will you let me catch pneumonia in the rain?“

Lily shrugged her shoulders. „If it means that I never have to see you again, pneumonia actually sounds pretty tempting.“ She knew that she was being mean, but he just activated every mean cell in her body. Despite not being too keen on talking to him, she stepped aside and invited him into the house.

„So...“ Tom slid out of his dripping coat. „Why are you here? Is this another set up?“

„Dear god, I hope not! If it is, I am never babysitting for them again.“

„Ben and Sophie aren't even here?“, Tom asked.

Lily rolled her eyes at him. „Obviously. Otherwise they would not need a babysitter. So whatever you want, you're gonna have to come back. I...“ Her train of thought was interrupted by her phone ringing in the living room. „Damn it. Wait a minute.“ With that she turned around and left him standing there. Just a few minutes later, Lily returned, her phone still in hand. „Please tell me you're free this evening!“

Tom didn't know what to reply. „I...um...why?“

„Because I just got called in for an emergency surgery. Technically I am not on call tonight, but there was a major bus crash on the A2 and there aren't enough surgeons at hand. So can you stay and watch Christopher and Hal for the night? Sophie said they'd be back around midnight.“

„You're a surgeon?“ Tom looked at her with big eyes.

„Hiddleston, there is a guy bleeding into his brain. The longer I stand here the higher his risk for permanent brain damage.“ She hastily put on her shoes and grabbed her jacket. „So do you wanna stand here and discuss the details of my medical career or will you let me get to my job and save a life??“ Lily felt the adrenaline rush through her body, as always when she was called in for an emergency.

„Yes! Sorry. Go! Save lives.“

Without saying another word, Lily picked up her helmet and ran out the door. Tom looked after her as she got on her motorcycle, entirely unimpressed by the pouring rain. He watched her drive off and realised that she wasn't at all what he had expected. He realised that there was more to her than insults and hostility. She intrigued him and he promised himself to find out more about her.

*****

A few days later, Lily was once again disturbed by a ringing door bell while relaxing on the couch, only that it was the bell to her own flat in Waterloo this time. She hesitantly got up from the sofa, wondering which one of her neighbours had something to complain about this time. Much to her surprise, it was once again Tom standing outside the door once she opened it.

„Are you stalking me or something?“, she asked without any greeting whatsoever.

He looked at her and ran his eyes up and down her body. Lily realised in that moment that she was only wearing panties and a t-shirt with no bra underneath. She knew that it revealed more than most women would be comfortable with in front of a stranger, but her job had made her pretty immune to naked skin. There was nothing on the human body that she hadn't seen and it caused her to be very relaxed about her own nakedness as well. Apart from that, she knew that she had quite a good body and no reason to be ashamed. The fact that someone like Tom Hiddleston, who had pretty much bared himself to the entire world numerous times blushed at the sight of her, made her smile internally.

„Hello?! Earth to Hiddleston. What do you want here?“

Tom shook his head a little, interrupting his own train of thought. „I brought coffee. And tea. I didn't know what you preferred.“

„You came here to bring me coffee?“, Lily asked with disbelief.

„Yes, and tea.“ Tom smiled awkwardly.

„How do you even know where I live? And how did you know I would be home?“

„Sophie gave me your address. And I had no idea if you'd be home. To be honest, I have tried to catch you twice before today, without success. I guess third time's the charm.“ He still smiled and Lily couldn't help but feel like it was an honest one.

„So have you been carrying around the same coffee and tea since this morning?“

Tom laughed and shook his head. „Of course not. I always got fresh one. So...coffee or tea?“ He held out to cups towards her.

„Is there any chance I can get the coffee without you coming in?“, Lily asked.

„I'm afraid not“, he winked at her.

Lily shrugged her shoulders. „I was afraid you might say that.“ She reached for the coffee and then turned around to settle back on the couch. Tom stood in the doorway for a moment before entering the flat.

He took off his coat and then sat down on the couch, making sure to be as far away from Lily as possible. „You're a surgeon.“

Lily was completely taken by surprise by his comment but didn't really know why he said it. She rolled her eyes. „Yes, I thought I made that more than clear the other day.“

„You did. I just never expected it, that's all.“ He sipped on the tea, happy to have something to calm his nerves.

„I told you I wasn't a model. I actually have a brain and know how to use it.“

„Clearly. Speaking of brains...given your comment the last time we saw each other, I take it you are a neurosurgeon?“

Lily nodded, surprised by his interest in her carreer. „I am. Neuro is my main focus, but I am also a certified in pediatric surgery.“

Tom looked at her with an open mouth. „How is that possible. I mean...you're what? 30?“

„I told you the flattery won't work on me. I'm 35.“ She hated to admit it, but she actually did enjoy the compliment.

„Still...how is that possible?“

Lily took a deep breath. „Okay, just for the sake of you shutting up about it, here's the short version of it. I skipped a grade twice while I was at school, allowing me to start university before everyone else. I studied at Oxford, Cambridge and Harvard Medical School in Boston. Finished that a year before everybody else as well. I did my residency and neuro fellowship at Mayo Clinic. Then I went to Baltimore for my pediatric fellowship at John's Hopkins, got certified in both specialties. My first job was at Cleveland Clinic, until my mentor from Mayo took me to Italy with him. I stayed with him in Rome for about 6 months before I got tired of pasta and short Italian men. So I signed up for Doctors Without Borders and worked for them for the past three years. All over the place, really. Egypt, South Africa, India, Cambodia, Syria, South Sudan... I never stayed for long and tried to help in as many places as possible.“

„You did voluntary work in South Sudan?“, Tom asked.

Lily looked at him with interest. For the first time, she felt like he took an honest interest in something she said. It wasn't forced or staged at all. „Yes, I spent four months working in Pibor at the MSF emergency clinic. I would have stayed longer but there was a 5-year-old girl with an inoperable brain tumour who needed my attention in Aleppo. So I moved on.“

„You operated on an inoperable tumour?“

„I like challenges“, Lily replied.

„Did she survive?“

„Hey, don't insult me, Hiddleston! I am good at what I do.“

„You clearly are“, Tom said almost speechless. „Lily, I thought I misjudged you before I came here. But now that I know you...“

„Let me stop you right there“, Lily interupted him. „You don't know me. I told you a few things about myself, but that doesn't mean that you know me. Because you don't. Surgeons are junkies and we live for our jobs. But that doesn't mean that surgery is the only thing that defines us.“

„So what else defines you?“, Tom kept asking.

„I can't have this conversation with you. For one, because I don't think I am willing to share that kind of information with you just yet. And secondly, because I just worked for 42 hours straight and have to be back at the hospital tomorrow morning. I need sleep. Desperately.“ Lily yawned as if to make her point even more clear. „So can we please do this another time?“

„Does that mean you'll agree to meet me again?“ Once again, there was a very honest smile on his face.

„Maybe...“ Lily suddenly felt embarrassed and blushed a little.

„Alright. I will let you get your rest. Goodbye Lily.“ Without waiting for a reply, he turned around and headed for the door.

„Tom?“, Lily stopped him. „Why did you ask about South Sudan? Why do you care?“

„I am a UNICEF embassador. I've been to South Sudan twice so far, a third tour is in planning. It's a matter very dear to my heart. I know that it's not in my power to end the conflict and the suffering. But if I can contribute to helping even just one child, it's more than enough. Because it's the children who suffer the most.“

„Yes, I know...“ Lily looked at him for a moment. „Thanks for the coffee“, she said and smiled.

A moment later, he closed the door to her flat behind him. Lily stared into the direction where he had just stood seconds ago. Her head was spinning and she tried to sort everything that had happened in the past minutes. She didn't really know what exactly had happened, but she realised that the image she had of Thomas William Hiddleston was probably not realistic at all.

 


	3. Personal Agenda

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily arranges for Tom to meet her and while some things work out exactly the way she hoped, other things go terribly wrong. And Lily has no one else to blame but herself.

„Thank you for meeting me!“ Lily smiled and watched Tom sit down opposite her at the table. „I...um...I ordered you some tea, I hope that's okay.“ He remained silent but raised an eyebrow at her. His lack of reaction and speech made Lily growingly uncomfortable, a fact that caused Tom to smile on the inside. „You know, I just figured because of the tea you were having when you came to see me. Or maybe you were just having tea because I went for the coffee. Do you want coffee? I can order you coffee.“

„You're rambling“, he interrupted her in a strict but friendly tone.

„Sorry.“ Lily felt the blushing on her face and cursed herself for suddenly being so nervous around him. But after all, she did have something to ask him. „Thank you for meeting me.“

„You already said that“, Tom replied while sipping on the tea.

„I know.“ Lily took a deep breath, trying to calm herself.

„I take it you got my number from Benedict?“, he asked.

„You got my address from Sophie. We're even now.“ Tom laughed a little and for the first time Lily felt herself relax a bit. „Tom...is this weird? Me calling you? Us being here?“

„What do you want, Lily?“ He was almost too calm for Lily's taste, irritating her even more.

„I...um...I want to ask you something. But first I need to say something.“ Tom tilted his head but didn't say anything. „I'm sorry. About the other night at Ben and Sophie's.“ It had been more than four weeks since the set up introduction between the two of them and Lily felt almost stupid for bringing it up again. But she knew that she had to if she wanted to persuade him to help her. Lily waited a few more seconds for him to say something but continued when he remained silent. „I don't really know what got into me that night. I mean...I kinda do know. You actors are a weird bunch of people.“

„We actors??“

„I know that you are all individuals, but you are still all from the same breed. The way you look at things and life and...everything doesn't make any sense to me. My brain just does not work that way.“ Lily could tell from the look on his face that she probably wasn't making all that much sense.

„Tell me...just how many actors do you know?“, Tom asked, his tone almost mocking her.

„Well...“ Lily felt busted. „I have met a few in my time, treated quite a few during my career. And my best friend is married to one. Seriously, when Sophie told me that she was marrying Ben, I thought she had lost her mind.“

„She's an actress herself! With the lives we live, the time and energy we put into our work...it's only natural to meet your love at work. We don't get out all that much apart from that. So it really isn't surprising.“ Lily couldn't notice how defensive he got all of a sudden.

„Trust me, I get that. I work 48-hour-shifts on a regular basis and I enjoy it. And when I don't work, I am usually on call so whenever someone bashes their head in, I have to go back to the hospital. I have no personal life to speak of. Believe me, I understand.“ As she said it out loud, Lily realised how pathetic her life was at the end of the day.

„So do you hate Ben as well?“, Tom asked and Lily could tell that he was prepared to defend his best friend if needed.

„Of course not. He's a great guy and he makes her happy. I may not get his job and most of the points he makes in conversations, but he is good for her. They're good together. So no, I don't hate him. And I...I don't hate you either.“ She closed her eyes for a moment to collect her thoughts. „The truth is that I don't know you. All I know about you is what the press writes about you. And even that I only know because I stumbled on some things by accident. Because really, between my job and...“ She interrupted herself, contemplating whether she should tell him or not. Did she want him to know that much about her?! „...I just...I don't have time for tabloids and gossip. To be honest, if it hadn't been for your very public romance with Miss Country a few years ago, I would know even less about you. But that one was hard to escape, even in India. So all I know is what I read back then and that you play the dude with the horns and...“

Tom's laugh interrupted her. „The dude with the horns? Really??“

Lily rolled her eyes. „I know that his name is Loki. I just don't give a crap. I hate superhero movies and I've never seen any of yours. So to me, he's the dude with the horns.“

„Charming.“ Tom was still laughing.

„Sorry. But really...I'm sorry. I know I behaved like a total bitch that night and you didn't deserve any of that. The truth is that I don't really know you. All I know for sure is that you're intelligent enough to challenge even me, that you like to hug people and that you put way too much sugar in your tea. But I won't hold any of that against you. So I'm sorry.“ Lily felt oddly relieved.

Tom looked at her, silently reading her expression. Then he smiled. „Alright then.“

„Alright then...“, Lily repeated confused. „So...you don't hate me?“

He slowly shook his head. „You haven't given me a reason so far...“

„Good! Because I have something I need to ask you.“ Lily took another deep breath, knowing that she was now getting to the part she was really concerned about. „I have this kid, this patient. He's 12 years old and has the biggest brain tumour you will ever see.“ Tom's expression immediately softened and she knew she had his attention. „I have operated four times on him already, always taking out a little bit more of the tumour. But it's growing fast. And it's invading parts of the brain where I just can't cut.“

„It's inoperable?!“ She could hear the compassion in his voice.

„It will be pretty soon. I could perform one, maybe two more surgeries but after that I would leave him with permanent brain damage. So the question is whether it's really worth putting him through even more stress.“

„So he is going to die?“ Tom looked at her with big eyes.

„Yes, he will.“ Lily swallowed back her oncoming emotions and continued. „At the rate the tumour is expanding, he only has a few weeks left. He knows about it all and he's incredibly brave about it. But he's dying and it sucks. So I want to cheer him up a little and give him a chance to meet one of his heroes.“ Tom looked at her but obviously didn't understand where she was going with this. „You.“

„Me??“ Tom seemed positively shocked.

„Well, not technically you. Loki. He has everything...Loki sweatpants, Loki socks, a Loki helmet, a green cape, Loki posters all over his hospital room. He thinks Loki is badass. So I was wondering...“

„Yes“, Tom cut in before she could ask the question.

„But you don't even know what I was going to ask“, Lily replied.

„Yes, I will come to the hospital and meet him. I'll try to pull some strings and maybe get my hands on one of the costumes.“ Tom smiled slightly. „So yes, he will get a chance to meet Loki before he dies.“

Lily could feel a weight being lifted off her shoulders. „Thank you! Seriously, thank you! If I wasn't sure before, I am now...I totally don't hate you.“

„Good to know.“ Tom reached for his wallet and placed some money on the table. „My treat“, he said and put back the wallet. Lily was confused because she had expected him to be somehow more...excited about this. His lack of emotions confused her. Tom swung his long legs around on the chair and almost pushed himself up before turning back around to Lily. „You know, when you called, I was actually hoping you wanted to talk to me. Because despite you acting like a complete bitch around me, I like you. I think you're fascinating. Your job, your education, the dedication to everything you do...it's inspiring. I talked to Sophie and she told me that you are actually fluent in 8 different languages?! That's crazy. Nobody can do that. It's amazing. You're amazing. You are obviously talented, you're smart, you're fierce, you're beautiful.“ Lily couldn't believe she was hearing any of this and looked at Tom with big eyes. „So when you called, I thought that you might want to spend time with me.“

„But...I...um...I did...“ All Lily could do was stammer.

„No, you didn't. I'm not even sure if you really wanted to apologise. You wanted me to agree to come and meet your patient. That's all today was about.“ Lily looked down at her own hands because she couldn't deny that he was quite right. „And it's a dying kid you're fighting for, so of course I'm saying yes. Because I think it's amazing that you care about him that much. It's the only reason I am not telling you to never speak to me again.“

„Tom, I...“

„No“, he interrupted her. „I am not done yet.“ He cleared his throat and made sure to lower his voice a little bit. „I am a generous person who always tries to see the good in people. And yes, I like giving hugs. I like people and I like making them laugh. There is nothing like it. And I am a forgiving person. But I don't like being played or used.“

„I wasn't...“, Lily tried to defend herself.

„Yes, you were. You didn't actually feel the need to apologise for the way you treated me. You just thought that if you didn't apologise, I would say no to your request.“ Tom took a deep breath. „You know nothing about me. Otherwise you would know that I would never say no to something like that. Even if the person asking me treated me without the slightest bit of respect.“ Tom got up from his chair. „I like you, Lily. Even though you haven't given me a single reason to do so until now. But you save lives. You operate in war zones and care about the wishes of dying children. So I think you are a far better person than you give yourself credit for. And I want to get to know that person. I want to know what makes you tick. So if you should ever feel the need to actually apologise to me, I will accept that apology. If you want to talk, I will be more than happy to clear my schedule for you. Use me again, and I will have a reason to hate you.“ With that, he turned around, heading for the door.

„Tom...“, Lily said barely audible, yet loud enough for him to turn around to her again. „I'm sorry.“

„I think this is the first honest thing you've ever said to me“, Tom replied without any kind of emotion detectable in his voice. He looked at her for another moment and then walked out of the café. Lily looked after him, feeling like a beaten dog and knowing that everything he had said was absolutely right.

 


	4. The Good Times and the Bad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tom keeps his promise to pay a visit to Lily's patient at the hospital. In the midst of it all, the two of them start to bond ever so slightly. And then Lily reveals one of her biggest secrets...

Lily leaned her head against the cool glass and smiled. The scene before her eyes was quite a sight to behold. All 23 patients from the pediatric surgical floor were gathered around Tom, Benedict and Tom Holland in the patient lounge. She still couldn't believe that Tom had turned her simple request to meet one of her patients into something this big. Until he showed up at the hospital a few hours earlier, she didn't even know that Tom wasn't coming alone. At first she was concerned that it might all be a bit much, but now she looked at all the happy little faces and she knew that this was the best thing to happen to the kids in a very long time.

„Doctor Walker“, one of her interns approached her. „I have the CT results from the patient in 2115.“

Lily tore her attention away from Tom and the children. „And?“ The intern handed her the patient file. „Damn it.“

„Should I book an OR?“

„Yes, right away. We need to get that bleeding under control. So book an OR, prep him and then you're scrubbing in.“

A large smile appeared on the intern's face. „Yes, Doctor Walker.“

Lily slightly rolled her eyes in amusement over the excitement of being allowed to scrub in. „Nurse“, she turned to one of the nurses at the station. „Would you please tell Mr Hiddleston to come and find me when he is done here? I am about to head into surgery but I think I have an hour left until we actually start. And I...I'd really like to talk to him before he leaves.“

„Of course, Doctor Walker“, the nurse replied.

Lily took one last look through the window to the patient lounge and then turned around. She made her way upstairs to the staff lunch room. She picked up her pasta salad from the fridge and let herself fall on the couch where she enjoyed her early lunch. It was actually way too early for lunch, but she estimated that she would be in surgery for four to five hours, so she knew that she had to feed herself before heading to the OR.

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. A few second later, Tom's face appeared. He was still in his Loki costume but without the wig. „You wanted to see me?“, he asked and smiled.

Lily sat up. „Yes, I did. I just wanted to thank you for doing this. I know that this meant a lot to Evan and the other kids. And I think...we did it just in time for Evan to still enjoy it.“

The smile from Tom's face vanished. „Is he getting worse?“

„He doesn't lead on, but I know that he must be in terrible pain. His tumour is growing rapidly and he's already showing the first neurological symptoms that come as a side effect.“ Lily rubbed her forehead.

Tom entered the room and sat down next to her. „How long does he have?“

Lily sighed. „A week. Maybe even less. It's only a matter of time until the tumour causes seizures. And once that happens...there is just nothing I can do to help him anymore.“

„I'm sorry.“ Tom put his arm around Lily's shoulders and they both sat in silence for a moment.

„Um...“ Lily wiped away a tear, hoping that Tom wouldn't see it. „Do you have plans tonight? Because I think I'll be done here around 6 and I was wondering if you might want to get a drink with me. I'd like to invite you for a drink. To thank you for today.“

Tom removed his arm from her shoulders. „Thank you for the offer but...“

„...but I've been treating you like a bitch so I'm sure I am the last person you want to spend time with.“ Lily realised that his supposed rejection hurt her more than she had anticipated.

„That's not it. I just have plans for tonight already. Friends and family are coming over to my place for cake and drinks and a bit of celebration.“

Lily looked at Tom with big eyes. „Cake? Celebration? But...“ And then the realisation hit her. „Oh my god, I'm so sorry. It's your birthday, isn't it?!“ Tom smiled and nodded. „Oh my god, I'm so stupid. Happy birthday!!“ With that, Lily threw her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. After a few moments, Tom followed her lead and wrapped his arms around her as well. His grip on her was firm and tight and Lily enjoyed the feeling of someone focussing their entire attention on her. She could smell Tom's cologne and it made her head spin. So she took a deep breath and then tried to wind herself out of his arms.

„I...um...“, she stammered. „I have to prep for surgery. But...happy birthday, Tom! And thank you for today. It really means a lot that you helped me. And I know that it means the world to Evan.“ She got up from the couch and collected her phone and pager. „Maybe we can get that drink another time?!“

„Why don't you come tonight?“, Tom smiled up at her.

Lily froze. „Tonight? To a birthday party where all your friends and your family are present?“

Tom laughed a little. „It's just casual drinks with a few people I like. Seriously, I'm not making a big deal out of it. And I think you could use some company after a day of cutting. So you should come.“

„I...I...“ Lily knew that this was something she was not ready for. Especially if his family was going to be there. „I'll see what I can do, okay?“

„I will text you the address...“

„I'm not making any promises“, Lily added before rushing out the door.

*****

„What on earth are you doing here?“ Benedict looked at Lily with big eyes.

„Are you Tom's butler now?“, Lily replied with a smile. Ben didn't say anything and simply stared at her. „He invited me, for heaven's sake!“

„He did?“, Ben asked sceptically. „But I thought you two didn't like each other. I mean, I was surprised enough when Tom busted his ass to help you with that hospital thing. And now he is inviting you to his birthday party?!“

„Well...“ Lily shrugged her shoulders. „He's not so bad. I think we kinda...like each other. In a way. I don't know.“ Ben raised an eyebrow and smirked. „Oh, get over it, Cumberbatch! This is not what you think it is. Now...are you going to let me in?“

„Yes, sorry!“ Ben stepped aside and invited Lily in. He hung up her coat and then led her to the living room. Tom was in the middle of a conversation, but a huge smile appeared on his face when he saw her.

„Lily! I am so glad you could make it!“ He walked over to her and greeted her with a brief hug. Ben observed them the entire time and the triumphant smile on his face was more than telling. „Interesting choice of attire, by the way.“

Lily looked down on herself and smiled at the dark green sweater she was wearing. „Well...the day did have a bit of a Loki theme, so I thought it was appropriate.“ Both her and Tom joined in a little laugh.

„Come on, let's get you a drink and introduce you to everyone.“ Tom held out his hand, waiting for Lily to grab it.

She looked around the room. „Okay, I tell you that actors and I don't really get along and you invite me to a party where there are almost exclusively actors present. Are you trying to punish me or something?!“

Tom smiled at Lily and gently put his arm around her waist. „Just breathe. They're all people like you and me. So breathe.“ He lead her to meet his friends and introduced her to everyone.

Despite feeling highly uncomfortable, Lily smiled and made polite conversation with everyone. She realised that he was right, they all seemed like nice and normal people. But Lily felt intimidated. Hadley Fraser, Josie Rourke, Kenneth Branagh, Lolita Chakrabarti, Luke Evans, Eddie Redmayne...Lily had at least heard aboout all of them. But deep down, she didn't really have any idea what they actually did or which roles they were known for. So she smiled and nodded and hoped that none of them would involve them in a deeper conversation. When Tom made an attempt to introduce her to his mother, Lily quickly came up with the excuse to need another drink. She almost ran to the bar to refill her glass and downed it in one.

„Not ready to meet your future mother-in-law?“, Lily heard a voice next to her. She turned around and looked into the eyes of a beautiful blonde woman. The woman smiled. „Hi, I'm Emma. Tom's sister.“

„Oh...hi...“ If Lily was honest, she wasn't ready to meet his sister either. But she held out her hand to greet her. „And just for the record, I'm not...we're not...Tom and I, I mean.“

„If that's your story...“, Emma replied.

„Why?“ Lily quickly retrackted her hand. „Has he said something? Because if he is telling people that...“

„Relax“, Emma interrupted her. „He hasn't said anything. Neither to me nor mum. But you're here. At a party where all of his friends and his favourite women are present. So I don't know what this is, but it is something. He wouldn't just invite you to his birthday party if it wasn't.“

„I barely know him...“

Before Lily could reply, Sophie approached the two of them. „Sorry to interrupt, but...Lily, your pager keeps going off. I just noticed when I went to the bathroom.“ She handed Lily her pager.

„Damn it“, Lily cursed and rushed out the room to call the hospital. When she entered the room again, the good mood she was starting to be in had vanished. She located Tom in the room and gently pulled him away from his conversation. „I'm really sorry, but I have to leave.“

„What? Why? Did anything happen?“ Tom look concerned.

„I got paged to the hospital.“

„But I thought you weren't on call tonight...“

„It's Evan. He started having seizures.“

The smile from Tom's face vanished. „Damn. I'm so sorry. Go! And keep me posted?!“

„I will.“ Lily forced herself to smile at him and then rushed out the door.

*****

Lily closed her eyes and let the wind caress her face. This was the part of her job that she hated. Deep down, she knew that she did everything she could, but there were times when it just wasn't enough. In these moments, she hated being a surgeon.

„Hey...“ Tom's velvet voice cut through the London night.

„What are you doing here?“, Lily asked surprised. „Don't you have a party you should be at?“

„It's after midnight, everyone went home. So I came here to check on you. And Evan. I'm not family or a loved one, so it didn't feel right to come in and track you down.“ Tom looked at her and noticed that she looked incredibly tired. „How is he?“

„You know that sharing any of this is highly unprofessional of me, right? He is my patient and like you said, you are neither family nor a loved one. So legally, I am not allowed to tell you anything. I've already told you more than I should have.“

„I'm sorry“, Tom replied and took her hand.

„About what?“, Lily snapped at him.

„About Evan. I was really hoping he would be alright.“

„Stop making assumptions. I haven't said anything, so don't jump to conclusion here.“ Lily tried to retreat her hand from him, but Tom wouldn't let her.

„You're the kind of person who pulls back from emotionally difficult situations. You think if you don't talk about it, you can make it less real. So you hide in your shell and deal with the pain all by yourself.“ Lily looked at Tom because everything he said made perfect sense. „I don't know much about you, but that much I do know. Now...sit down with me, have the piece of cake that I brought you and tell me what happened.“ Tom gently pulled on Lily's arm and led her to one of the benches in front of the hospital.

Lily let herself fall on her behind and closed her eyes for a moment. „He started seizing. Intense seizures. And they failed to stop them and they failed to get his body under control. He's a big kid for his age. The interns and the resident on call didn't pay close enough attention so Evan fell out of his bed. He fell and hit his head, resulting in a brain bleed. When I got there, they were already rushing him into surgery.“

„You had to operate on him again?“ Lily nodded. „Were you successful?“

„I stopped the bleed.“ She could hear Tom's relieved sigh next to her. „But he hasn't woken up yet. And I don't think he will. He is 12 years old and he is in a coma that he will probably never wake up from.“ Lily reached for the brown paper bag in Tom's hand and pulled out the piece of cake. Just thinking about food made her stomach turn, but she was hoping it would distract her a little.

„Lily, I am so sorry.“ Tom sat next to her in silence for a moment, just watching her. „You can't blame yourself. I'm sure you did everything you could. You're a great doctor. It's just...you can't save them all. But don't let it get to you. It's not personal.“

„Do you know why I chose neuro as my specialty? Do you know why I willingly operate on little kids with big, sad eyes?“

Tom cleared his throat. „Why?“

„Henry. He was my brother. Two years younger than me and the wildest child you could imagine. He loved teasing me and spilling water all over my homework. But I loved him.“ Lily took a deep breath. „I still remember my mother's scream when he collapsed in the backyard. He had an aneurysm. In his brain. We knew about it for almost a year when it happened. We tried to get him some help. But there wasn't a single doctor who was willing to operate on him. So we prayed every night that he would be alright. And then he collapsed. Henry collapsed and died in my mother's arms because there wasn't a single fucking surgeon willing to try and save his life.“

„Lily, I'm so sorry...“

„My mother threw herself in front of a bus that evening. After they took Henry's body away, she said she needed to pick up milk from the store and never came back. By the time the police rang our door bell, my father was already too drunk to remember his own name. But they needed someone to identify her. So I went with them. I went down to the police station with them and identified my mother's corpse. I was 14 at the time.“ Tom tried to reach for Lily's hand but she moved away from him. „When I came home that night, my father was passed out on the couch in a pool of his own vomit und urine. And I was alone. The whole house was quiet and I knew that this could've been prevented. If there had been someone who would operate on my brother, none of it would have happened. I knew that. So I decided to become a doctor myself. Because my little brother died when he was 12.“ Lily looked at Tom who had tears in his eyes. „He was 12, Tom. Like Evan. So trust me, when I tell you that this is as personal as it gets. Everytime I step into an OR and reach for the drill, I see my brother. I see his face and I feel that sting in my heart and I know that I am going to do everything to spare the kid's family the pain that I had to endure because of incapable surgeons. This is personal! I couldn't save my brother back then, but I could've saved Evan. I should have. I should have.“ Tom reached for Lily's hand again and this time she let it happen. He caressed her knuckles with his thumb and Lily could feel his touch stir all kinds of feelings inside her. So she handed the half-eaten cake to him. „This is really good cake.“ She got up, reached for her bag and started walking.

„Wait!“, Tom tried to stop her. „Can I walk you home?“

„No“, Lily replied without taking the time to stop. She knew that she was about to break down and cry. And that was something that he would never ever be allowed to witness.

 


	5. New Frontiers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After an evening at the theatre, Tom and Lily find themselves on a long car ride back to London. The perfect opportunity to get to know each other better...

Lily shyly looked over to Tom who seemed to be very focussed on the road and the traffic. More than half of their trip back from Southhampton was already over and neither one of them had said a single word. The silence in the car was so loud that it began to feel uncomfortable for Lily. And she knew that it would be stupid to waste this opportunity to talk to him.

„I...um...“, she began without really knowing where she was going with her sentence. „Thank you for taking me tonight.“

„Thank you for coming with me.“ Tom quickly glanced at her before looking back on the road. „I just figured you could use some cheering up after...you know...everything.“

„Why on earth would you assume that theatre cheers me up??“

A little frown appeared on Tom's forehead. „Isn't that what theatre does? I know that it always cheers me up.“

„Yeah, that's because you're weird“, Lily replied and couldn't help but laugh. After a moment, Tom joined in. „Look...the last time I was at the theatre was back when I was in school. I only remember that it was at the Globe and that it was some Shakespeare production. But the rest I have totally deleted from my mind.“

„Why?“, Tom asked and Lily could tell that her statement totally confused him.

„Science is my religion. It's what I believe in, it's what I focus on. I've always been such an overachiever that I put all my energy into studying. At school, in med school and then during my residency. My brain is what I rely on. So there's no need for art or ways to answer the philosophical questions in life.“

„Can I ask you something?“, Tom asked.

Lily looked at Tom, trying to read his expression. Based on what she knew about him, she was sure that it would be a personal question. But despite her instincts screaming no, she decided to take her chances. „Okay...“

„Are you gifted?“, Tom blurted out. Lily was not prepared for that and simply stared at him. „I'm sorry...I just...You're Doctor Lily Abigail Walker. You gratuated early from both school and medical school, you received your medical education at the best hospitals in the US, if not in the world. You are only 35, but judging by the amount of medical papers that you've already published, you are already a legend. You did a leading study on the correlation between malnutrition and the likelihood to develop a certain kind of brain tumour while you were working for MSF. You are certified in not one, but two surgical fields, one of them being pediatrics which is the most competitive, most elite of all surgical fields.“ Tom quickly looked at her but Lily was still staring at him with her mouth hanging open. „You speak eight languages, for heaven's sake! How is all that possible unless your IQ is through the roof?“

„Have you been stalking me online??“, Lily almost yelled at him.

Tom shrugged his shoulders. „It's the only way to find out more about you. You're not really giving me anything otherwise.“

„I have already given you more than anyone else ever before“, she replied quietly. Tom looked at her a bit longer than she liked while he was driving. „Tom, I've never told anyone about Henry before. I think there are people who suspect that this is what motivates me in my job. But I have never admitted that to anyone. But I told you. I still don't know why, but I did. So you don't get to complain about not knowing enough about me.“

„I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be insensitive.“ Lily smiled at the fact that he was constantly apologising for everything. „I appreciate your trust. And I hope you know that I would never use that information to hurt you.“ Oddly enough, Lily realised that she already knew that. She did trust him.

„I know...“

„So how about giving me a little bit more to go on?“, Tom asked and gave Lily the most affectionate smile she had ever seen.

Lily took a deep breath. „So you really want to know?!“ Tom nodded. „Okay, fine. Yes, I am gifted. I was first tested for intellectual giftedness when I was 7 years old. I was tested again when I was in med school. The test determined an IQ of 187.“

„That is higher than Stephen Hawking's IQ!“, Tom interrupted her.

„Please don't get that excited. I know that it's above average, but it's nothing that defines my life. It's part of who I am and I've come to appreciate it. I have a photographic memory, which is more than ideal in my job. But I'm not special, even though that's what my parents always told me. I'm...“ Lily closed her eyes to gather the strength to say the next words. „...I'm not special.“

After a moment, Tom reached over to take her hand and squeezed it gently. „I doubt that's true.“ Lily looked at him and their eyes met for a second before Tom let go of her hand and focussed on the road once more. „Eight languages, that's all I'm saying. Seriously, that's crazy. Which ones?“

Lily giggled a little. „English, obviously, French, Italian, Spanish, Norwegian, Croatian, Icelandic and Arabic.“

„Wow, that is just beyond impressive. So basically you're the perfect company for a vacation anywhere in Europe.“

„Why, are you planning on inviting me somewhere?“, Lily teased and was almost a bit shocked by her own sass.

„Maybe I am“, Tom replied calmly and Lily immediately knew that he was completely serious.

She thought about replying but then decided to just ignore his comment. Mainly because she didn't really know what to say. „You know...you're not giving me much to go on here either.“

Tom immediately shook his head. „No, I don't do that. I won't discuss private matters with you.“

„Oh, but I'm supposed to?! Because I don't do it either“, Lily snapped. „Tom, you talk about trust here. You're asking me to trust you. And for some odd reason, I do. I barely know you, but I trust you. So I've told you more about myself than even my few close friends know. We've only seen each other a couple of times and here I am, agreeing on a date with you.“

„A date?“, Tom's head shot around. „This wasn't a date. This was...theatre.“

„So?! Can't it be both?“ Lily was positively confused.

„No no no...theatre is theatre. A date with me would look entirely different. Would you like to experience it?“

Lily couldn't believe his nerve to still be playful right now. „Tom, I'm serious here!“

„So am I“, he replied calmly and smiled. But when he looked at Lily, he realised that he had taken it one step to far. „Okay, what do you want to know?“

„Why acting?“ It was the question that had been on Lily's mind ever since she met him. „Because if we're talking about brilliant minds, you might want to throw yourself in the mix as well.“

„Oh no!“ Tom vigorously shook his head. „I am nowhere nearly as brilliant as you.“

„Tom, intelligence is not measured in IQ points, even though we are constantly told that it is. You're a smart man, an intelligent man. Everything you say and write reflects that. And frankly, when it comes to emotional and social intelligence, you are so far beyond me. Because that is something that I really suck at. Situations like this, social situations where I have to reveal something about myself to someone...they stress the hell out of me. You, on the other hand, always seem to be totally at ease. It's like you don't even know what awkwardness is.“ Lily looked at Tom and saw the sceptical expression on his face. „Look, all I'm saying is that you are an intelligent man who probably could have chosen any career path. You could have been a lawyer or gone into business. Or maybe even be a doctor yourself...“

„You know why it seems like I am never nervous in a social situation?“, Tom asked calmly. „Because I have quite a bit of experience in acting.“ Lily couldn't help but laugh at his comment. „Yes, I could have done a million different things with my life. But I love acting. I have always loved it, ever since I was a little boy. At some point, people started telling me that I was good at it and some suggested becoming an actor. And one day, I just knew. I knew that I could do it. Be an actor. It offered me the opportunity to turn something I love into my profession. That's a win-win situation, if you ask me.“

Lily found it heartwarming that his job apparently meant that much to him. „What do you love about it?“

Tom remained silent and Lily knew that he was thinking about the right answer. She could practically see the wheels turning behind his forehead. „There are many reasons, probably too many to list them all. One of the main reasons is that it allows me do explore the human mind. Every character, every new role allows me to discover another facette of our humanity. I have learned so much about what makes us tick over the years. And I've discovered so much about myself. With every new role I find out something new about myself as well. Sometimes it's amazing, sometimes it's surprising, and sometimes it's straight out shocking. And trust me, there have been many moments where I considered doing something else. Whenever the disappointment over not getting a particular role got too much, whenever things got too competitive, I have thought about making a change in my life. Every family birthday I miss because I am filming somewhere is painful, even after all these years. Every relationship that failed because of me being gone for months at a time feels like a failure to me. But at the end of the day, it's what I love and it's what I want to do. So much that I am willing to put up with all the public attention that comes with it.“

„I...um...“ Lily cleared her throat. „I don't mean to be insensitive, but is the public attention really that bad? I mean, I would imagine that it's nice to have women all over the world worshipping at your feet and I'm pretty sure your name comes in handy when trying to make a dinner reservation at a fancy restaurant.“

Tom almost snorted a little. „You're right, there is that. And I'm not saying that it's constantly bad. I receive so much love and support from my fans and it means the world to me. But do you know what you will find when you google my name tomorrow morning?“

„No...“ Lily had absolutely no idea where he was going with this.

„There will be pictures of me from tonight, possibly pictures of you as well. Because I can't even take a friend to a theatre in Southhampton without there being someone who recognises me and sneaks a picture that ends up online. And if you are in any of those pictures, there will be speculations about who you are and I can be pretty sure that I will be asked about the nature of our relationship in the next official interview I'm doing.“

„So you don't enjoy pictures of yourself with a woman all over the internet anymore?“, Lily asked without thinking, but immediately regretted it.

„Stop it!“, Tom commanded and she realised that she crossed a major line. „I am not going to discuss my former relationships with you, especially not that one.“

„Tom, I'm sorry.“ Lily was in full defensive mode.

„I am just as awkward in social situations as you are. Opening up to someone else is hard for me, especially if it is someone I like.“ Lily felt herself blushing because she knew that it applied to her. „It doesn't take a genius to figure out that the divorce of my parents gave me more than just a few commitment issues. I have trouble opening up to others and to be honest, I wish we wouldn't have this conversation right now. But...“ He took a deep breath. „...I am asking it of you and you are only right to demand the same from me. So I am trying to meet you halfway here. If there's anything you want to know about my hopes and dreams and favourite foods, then ask away. I will do my best to answer. But I will not discuss this with you. Not yet anyway.“

„Okay“, Lily replied quietly.

„And I'm sorry.“ She looked at him with a questioning look. „I'm sorry that your face might be all over the internet tomorrow.“

Lily shrugged her shoulders. „I don't care.“ Tom looked at her with surprise. „Honestly, I don't care. I have more important things to worry about in my life than tabloid gossip. If they want to believe that you and I are a thing, then so let them.“

„Is that your way of saying that we are not a thing?“, Tom asked.

„I...don't know. Honestly, Tom, I have no idea what this is. I'm still not sure if I even like you.“

„Woman, you are impossible“, he laughed.

„I'm serious. I still think you are way too joyful and cuddly to be someone I could like. And yet here I am, spending my only free evening of the week with you. So I don't know what this is. I don't know where this could go or if it could even go anywhere.“

„Do you want it to go somewhere?“ Lily didn't fail to notice the hopeful tone in his voice.

„No. Yes. I don't know.“ Tom laughed. „I don't like you!“

Her words encouraged him to laugh even more. „Okay, then how about this...we keep seeing each other whenever we feel like it. We get to know each other and see if things become more clear along the way. We go out for dinner or drinks, we have long walks in the park, we go and watch more theatre. And if we realise at some point that this could be more, then we take it from there. What do you say?“

Lily closed her eyes and collected her thoughts. „I don't do theatre.“

„I don't date. I either only sleep with a woman or jump into a relationship. I don't take things slow.“ For the first time, Lily could sense a certain insecurity in his voice. She didn't know what to say and simply stared at the dark road ahead of them. „Okay, then tell me this...you said that my apparent intelligence reflects in everything I say and write. How do you know about the things I've written?“

„It's called internet access“, Lily sighed. „When you told me that you were involved with UNICEF, I wanted to know more about it. So I hit Google and found your diary from your trip to South Sudan. It's impressive in every aspect.“

„Thank you.“ They looked at each other for a moment and then returned to silence.

Lily's head was spinning and she tried to collect her thoughts. She wasn't lying when she said that she wasn't sure if she liked him. But she most definitely enjoyed his company. Within just a few personal contacts, he had managed to win her trust. And she wondered if this shouldn't count for something. „Tom?!“ He looked at her, his face almost without any expression. „We might have to go for breakfast instead of dinner sometimes because I work evening and night shifts a lot.“ Her voice was more shaky than she had hoped for. But she was scared. Scared to commit to...whatever this was.

Tom once again reached over and took her hand. „I know many places that serve great breakfast.“

 


	6. Shock to the System

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Despite their relationship progressing, Lily is still keeping Tom at an arm's length. And then an accident brings them much closer together...

Lily pulled her hair into a messy bun as she ran down the stairs to the lobby. She looked around to see who the visitor was the nurses had told her about. And then she spotted Tom's blinding smile. He got up from his seat and made his way towards her, two coffees in hand.

„Hello sunshine!“ He made an attempt to hug her but Lily pulled away.

„Tom, what are you doing here?“

„I brought you coffee.“ There was still a big smile on his face. „And I thought you might want to have lunch together.“ Lily couldn't believe his naivity. „Do you want to have lunch together?“

„No.“ The smile vanished from Tom's face. „I don't even have time for lunch because there is currently a woman on her way to OR 3 who is counting on me to save her life. I am at work, Tom. And you can't just show up here and interrupt my day.“

„I'm sorry, I just thought...“

„You just thought that after two dinners and one night of dancing, you have earned the right to show up at my workplace unannounced. But let me tell you...you haven't. You're not my boyfriend, you're not my husband. And even if you were, I still wouldn't allow you to waltz in here and have my nurses page me. It's inappropriate and I won't have it.“ She grabbed one of the coffees from Tom's hand. „And now please excuse me, I have an aneurysm to clip.“ Without saying another word, Lily turned around and walked away, leaving Tom behind rather dumbstruck.

*****

A week later.

Lily pushed open the door to the emergency room. „Alright, I'm here. What do we have?“ She looked at the nurse waiting for information on the patient. But while the nurse reached for the chart, Lily saw something, or rather someone in the corner of her eye. Tom was sitting in one of the chairs in the waiting area. „You have got to be kidding! Hang on“, she told the nurse and then headed into Tom's direction. „Was I not clear last week? Now you not only show up at the hospital but at the emergency room. Unbelievable!“

Without saying a word, Tom pulled her into his arms and held her tight. „I'm so glad you're her doctor.“

„Her doctor?“ Lily had no idea what he was talking about.

„Doctor Walker, we need you!“, the nurse yelled across the room.

„Tom, I'm sorry. But I have a patient.“ Lily could tell by the look in his eyes that there was something wrong, but her job was her priority at the moment.

„I know“, Tom replied with a broken voice. „It's my mother.“

Lily's heart sank. She saw the tears in his eyes and squeezed his hand. „I am going to do everything I can and as soon as I know what's going on, I will update you.“ She let go of his hand and rushed into the trauma room. When she found Tom's mother sitting up and talking, she took a relieved breath. „Mrs Hiddleston, I'm Doctor Walker, your neuro consult.“

Tom's mother smiled at her. „You're my son's girlfriend.“

Everyone in the room shot around to look at Lily. „I...am not. We're just friends. But...we are not talking about me right now, we are talking about you. So...“ Lily began her neural exam. „What happened? Your chart said that you fell off a ladder?“

„It's so stupid. I was helping Emma clean the windows because I didn't want her climbing the ladder. You know, with her being pregnant and all.“ Lily looked at Mrs Hiddleston with big eyes. „Oh, Tom hasn't told you that? Well...I was helping her and suddenly I just lost my balance and fell. It all happened so fast that I didn't really have time to fall properly. I hit my head on the table and then everything went black.“

„How long were you unconscious?“, Lily asked.

„According to her daughter, for about a minute“, one of the third-year residents answered.

„Well, the fall explains the cut on your forehead“, Lily said while examining the would.

„She also landed on her hand“, the resident added. „I already did an x-ray. There is no sign of a fracture, but it's a nasty sprain.“

„Have you called ortho for a consult?“

„Yes, Doctor Walker“, the resident replied.

„Alright...Mrs Hiddleston, your exam is just fine. You have a concussion, your dizziness and nausea are both symptoms. Given that your head took all the impact, I'd like to do a head CT to rule out any further damage.“

„I've already called radiology, they know we're coming down“, the resident jumped in once again.

„Very good.“ Lily turned to Tom's mother once again. „This is Doctor Percy, he will take you for your CT.“ The resident's face lit up. „And after that, he will take care of your cut. And I will let you know as soon as I have looked at your scans.“

„Thank you, dear“, Mrs Hiddleston replied. „Would you go and tell Tom and Emma? I know they're outside and I'm sure they're worried sick. And I don't want Emma to be upset.“

„Of course I will. Doctor Percy, she is all yours.“ Lily watched the resident roll her bed out of the room and then went out to the waiting area.

Tom spotted her immediately and jumped up, closely followed by Emma. „How is she?“, Tom asked.

„As far as I can tell, she's alright. Her vitals are normal, the unconsciousness was most likely a result of the fall. She hit her head really hard and the cut on her forehead is very deep. One of my residents is currently taking her to CT to rule out any brain damage.“ Lily heard Emma's little gasp.

„Brain damage?“ Tom's voice was shaking.

„Her head took all the impact of the fall. So in cases like that, there is unfortunately a rather high risk for brain bleeds as a result.“ Lily placed her hand on Tom's shoulder in an attempt to calm him. „It's alright. Let's not worry until we have to. Radiology already knew that they were coming down, so she should be back up here soon. You are more than welcome to sit with her while Doctor Percy takes care of her wound.“

„Will she need stitches?“, Emma asked.

„Yes, she will. Ten stitches at least“, Lily replied calmly.

Emma let herself fall back on the chair. „Oh god, this is all my fault. I should have never let her climb up that ladder.“

„Then why did you let her climb up that ladder?“, Tom snapped back.

„You know how she is. She treats this pregnancy as if it is a fatal disease and doesn't let me do anything. So what was I supposed to do?“, Emma tried to defend herself.

„You were supposed to keep our mother from climbing ladders“, Tom yelled.

„Shut up“, Lily jumped in before Emma could reply. „Respectfully...shut up. It doesn't matter what could have been. It happened and now we all have to deal with the consequences. Your mother is fine so far. She's sitting up and talking and brings me in awkward situations by asking if I'm your girlfriend.“ Emma giggled while Tom blushed heavily. „It doesn't do either of you any good to blame each other. So please, just calm down and try to breathe.“ Lily's pager went off. „Alright, I have a patient who just woke up after surgery so I need to check on them real quick. I'll have the nurses page me when your mother is back. And then we'll take it from there, alright?!“

„Alright“, Tom replied and took a deep breath. Lily smiled at him once more and made her way to the elevator to head upstairs.

When she returned to the ER, a nervous Tom already waited for her.

„Who is Doctor Turner?“, he asked.

Lily was totally caught off her guard. „He's...he's the head of neuro here at the hospital. But why...“ She glanced behind Tom and saw Doctor Turner talk to Tom's mother in the trauma room. „No fucking way!“ She stormed into the trauma room and Tom followed right behind her. „Doctor Turner, this is my patient. So what are you doing here?“

„Lily, dear.“ Mrs Hiddleston's voice was full of fear. „This man says that I need brain surgery. Is that true?“

She felt her heart sink. Lily knew that if Turner made a diagnosis, it was right beyond a doubt. „I can't tell you, because I haven't had a chance to look at the scans yet.“

„You would have if you had been here“, Turner replied in his usual arrogant manner. „She has an epidural hematoma, so yes, she needs surgery.“ Lily knew that he was right.

„Forgive me, but I was checking on a patient post op. A patient that you handed to me because you didn't find his butterfly tumour interesting enough.“ Lily felt an anger rising inside her chest. „I checked on a patient and now I am here to take care of Mrs Hiddleston.“

„No, you are not. I'm taking this one. Percy, what are you doing?“, Doctor Turner snapped at the resident Percy who was preparing to stitch up Mrs Hiddleston's forehead.

„He is taking care of her wound“, Lily answered for him.

„No no no“, Turner replied. „He is only a resident and this woman deserves the best. We're paging plastics for this.“

Lily rolled her eyes. „Stop being ridiculous, Doctor Turner! Doctor Percy is more than qualified to take care of this cut.“

„No, he isn't. Just like you are not qualified to operate on her.“ Doctor Turner had a smug look on his face.

„Can I have a word with you outside?“, Lily asked. Turned shrugged his shoulders but opened the door and held it open. „Doctor Percy, please start the sutures on Mrs Hiddleston.“ Once outside, Lily turned to her boss. „You are not taking this surgery from me! She is my patient and I will damn well make sure that she is alright once she gets out of my OR.“

„Do I have to remind you of the fact that I am your surperior?“, Doctor Turner asked.

„With all due respect, Sir, but you know that I am more than qualified to do this. I operated on a butterfly tumour this morning that 17 surgeons before me had refused to operate on. They came to you, but it bored you and you handed the case to me. I operated and the patient is fine. Awake and alert. So don't tell me that I am not qualified to secure an epidural bleed.“

„You were in the OR for hours today. You're tired. And this is a VIP patient. I am not letting you screw this up.“

„That's what this is about?! Do you really think you will get some reward from her world famous son if you successfully operate on his mother? Really?“ Lily couldn't help but laugh.

„Well, we all know what kind of reward you are hoping to get from her son“, her boss replied.

„Do not talk to her that way!“, Tom said loudly. Lily shot around. She had no idea how long he had been standing there. „Doctor Turner, I don't know you but I'm sure you are a more than capable surgeon. I do know her. I know Doctor Walker and I know that she will do everything to save my mother. I just...know.“ Lily cursed herself for ever telling him about her reasons to become a surgeon. But at the same time it touched her that he had that much faith in her abilities. „I don't know if I have that right, but I am asking you to let Doctor Walker perform the surgery on my mother. If she does indeed need surgery, I mean.“

„She does“, Lily sighed. „I'm not doubting Doctor Turner's diagnosis, your mother has an epidural bleed in her brain. If we don't treat it, the hematoma will most likely kill her.“ Tom gasped for air. „Hey...“ Lily reached for his hand. „That's only if we don't operate. It's a complicated surgery, but we perform it all the time. We know what we're doing. So I am strongly advising you to let us operate.“

„You operate.“ Tom looked at her with tears in his eyes. „You do it. Please.“

Lily looked at Doctor Turner whose face was cold like stone. „Fine“, he replied. With that, he turned around and walked away.

„So...um...“ Tom was searching for words. „What happens now?“

„We will take your mother up to the OR floor immediately and start prepping her. I will sit down and study her scans so that I am prepared as much as I can be before I start cutting. And then I'm going to get myself some strong coffee before heading to the OR myself.“ Tom wiped away a tear and Lily felt her heart breaking on his behalf. „Tom, listen to me! I can do this. I am very good at what I do and just like you said, I am going to do everything in my power to save her. You're just going to have to trust me.“

Tom pulled her against his body and wrapped his arms around her. „Lily, I am so scared. She's my mother.“

„I know.“ Lily ran her hand through his hair, trying to comfort him. „Just remember...I'll be thinking about Henry.“

Tom's hug tightened even more and Lily wasn't sure if he'd ever let her go. And while she could already feel the beginning rush of adrenaline before a surgery, she deeply enjoyed this intimate moment with him.

„Doctor Walker!“ Her resident's voice echoed across the room. „She lost consciousness again. And she's seizing.“

 


	7. Emotional Response

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily does her best to comfort Tom after his mother's surgery. And in the middle of an emotional time, things start to fall into place for the both of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, we're there. It's time. They're ready. Smut ahead.

Lily wrote down the last post op instructions in Mrs Hiddleston's chart and then handed it to the nurse. Then she turned around and headed for the ICU room to check on her one last time. She found Emma standing outside.

„Hey, is everything alright?“, Lily asked.

Emma sighed. „He won't leave. He won't eat. I went home, took a shower, brought him a change of clothes, picked up some food. But he doesn't care. I told him to go home, that I'd call him as soon as she wakes up. But I'm not sure he's even listening. He's just sitting there, holding her hand.“ Lily looked at Tom and even though the surgery went perfectly, his eyes were full of worry. „Can't you talk to him?“

„No“, Lily shook her head. „I am not in a position to talk him into anything.“

„Lily, who are you trying to convince here? I don't really know you and I don't know what you two have. But I saw the way he was holding you right before mum crashed. I saw the way you were stroking his hair to calm him down. You can pretend all you want, but you care about him. And he obviously cares about you. My brother is a commitment phobe who always keeps his cards close to his chest. But somehow, probably despite even trying, you have managed to get under his skin. So would you please just talk to him?“

Lily could see tears well up in Emma's eyes. „Are you okay?“

„I almost killed our mother today. How could I possibly be okay?!“

„Emma... It was an accident. And accidents happen. But you can't blame yourself for this. I...“ She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. „...I lost my mother when I was 14. So it's been a while since someone looked out for me like that. But from what I remember and judging from all the worried mothers I've met ever since I became a doctor, I can tell you that there is no way you could have stopped your mother from getting up on that ladder. You're her daughter and now you are carrying her grandchild. That's what matters to her. So you might want to expect a few more stupid things from her over the next month.“ Emma looked at Lily with big eyes. „Congratulations, by the way.“

„Thank you“, Emma replied and wiped a way a tear. „I'm sorry about your mother. Does Tom know?“

Lily nodded. „He knows more than anyone else.“

„Do you love him?“, Emma asked.

„No“, Lily said without even having to think about it. „But...I like him. I still don't really know if I like him but...I like him.“ The look on Emma's face was very much confused. „I can't really explain it. I didn't ask for him to be in my life. But now that he is, I am grateful, shocked and freaked out in equal measure.“

„You are a very weird person“, Emma said calmly.

„Yes, I am.“ Lily couldn't help but laugh.

„Please talk to him.“

Lily sighed. „Okay.“ She opened the door and stepped inside the patient room. Tom looked up quickly but then focussed on his mother again. Lily checked Mrs Hiddleston's vitals and the fluid output on the drain. „She's doing well“, she said, hoping it would help Tom to relax.

„But she hasn't woken up...“

„Tom... Nothing about this is unusual. Brain surgery is hard on the patient, so the recovery process might be a bit longer than usual. The surgery went well, her vitals are strong and according to the post op EEG we did, her brain function is totally normal. So be patient and give her time. She will wake up.“ Tom nodded and wiped away a tear. Lily moved next to him and once again ran her hand through his soft hair. He let out a little sigh and leaned into her touch. „You need a break.“

„I can't. I need to be here when she wakes up. And what if something happens? I need to be here when that happens. If I go home and something happens, it will take me at least half an hour to get here. There is so much that can happen in that time.“ Lily could hear a slight panic in his voice.

„Tom...“

„No!“ He took a deep breath and then looked at her. „You're not wearing your scrubs anymore? Are you going home?“

Lily nodded and then had an idea. „Come with me. My flat is not even a 5-minute walk from here. You can take a shower and I can make you some decent coffee, maybe even a little something to eat.“ Tom didn't say anything but she could tell that he was thinking about it. „You need a break from sitting here and holding her hand. Let Emma take over. I'm sure she will call you if anything happens. And I will instruct the nurses to page me immediately if there are any changes in her status.“ After a moment, he let go of his mother's hand. Lily held out hers instead and after thinking for another moment, Tom reached for it.

*****

„Tom!!!“, Lily yelled through the bathroom door.

„What?“ Tom rushed out, just towel wrapped around his naked body.

Lily took a moment to look at his perfectly toned appearance and almost forgot what she wanted to tell him. „I...um...the hospital just called. Your mum woke up a few minutes ago. She's asking for you.“

Tom let out a sigh of relief and then charged towards Lily. He sweeped her into his arms and before she knew what was happening, his lips were pressed against hers. After a brief moment of shock, Lily felt herself melting against him. His mouth was warm and soft and carressed hers in the most delicious way. She leaned into the kiss and pulled Tom even closer against her. They both moaned and in that moment, Tom realised that kissing Lily wasn't actually his priority right now. He broke the kiss and stepped away from her. Lily sighed desperately when their lips parted.

„I...um...“ Tom adjusted his towel and Lily wondered if he was trying to hide a certain bodily reaction to their kiss. „I really should go. To the hospital, I mean.“ He headed back to the bathroom and emerged a few minutes later fully dressed. Lily was still in the same spot, unable to move or speak. „Are you coming too?“

Lily cleared her throat. „The...the resident...um...Doctor Percy is doing a post op exam right now. He assisted me in the surgery, so he's familiar with her case. He will inform me if there is a problem. So I won't go unless I have to.“

„Okay.“ Tom turned around but stopped with his hand on the door knob. „Can I come back later?“ Lily simply nodded and a second later, Tom was out the door.

*****

She kept touching her mouth, remembering the feeling of his lips against hers. It had been several hours since Tom left, but Lily was still beside herself. After Tom went back to the hospital, she had taken a shower and made herself some food. And then she started pacing. The kiss happened out of the blue and she didn't know what to think about it. All she knew is that she wanted more. She wanted to kiss him again and she didn't want to stop there. Her thoughts went back to his perfectly sculpted body and the way his naked skin felt under her fingers.

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. Lily took a deep breath and then opened it. Tom was outside, looking at her with lust in his eyes. Before he even entered the flat, he took off his jacket and threw it in a corner. The door closed behind them and Lily practically jumped into Tom's arms. He kissed her passionately, his tongue demanding entrance to her mouth. Lily parted her lips and allowed Tom's tongue to play with hers. She couldn't remember ever being kissed like that and was already transformed into wax in his hands. Tom broke the kiss for a moment only to take off his shirt and then pulled her back against him.

For a second, Lily's brain demanded to be heard, so she backed off. „Wait, wait, wait...“ Tom breathed heavily as he looked at her. „It's...you've had an emotional day. Your mum had an accident and a brain bleed and needed surgery. You're emotional. And I'm emotional. Because I had your mother on the table. Because she's not just anyone because you're not just anyone. We're both emotional and we shouldn't be doing this. And...“

„I want you“, Tom interrupted her. „And it has nothing to do with me being emotional. You are fierce and bold and beautiful and sexy as hell. I have known that ever since I first met you and part of me has wanted you ever since then. I want to kiss you, I want to touch you...“ He approached her and reached for the hem of her oversized shirt. He slowly lifted it up to take it off, exposing Lily's naked breasts. A low growl escaped his throat. „...I want to suck on your perfect little nipples. And then I want to take you in whichever way I can. I want to bury myself inside you and make you come and come and come until you can't take it anymore. I want you because being inside you is all I've been able to think about since this afternoon. It has nothing to do with being emotional. So am I allowed to bury myself inside you or not?“

Lily knew that if they crossed that line, it would take their relationship to a whole new level. But she also knew that she couldn't ignore the throbbing and the minor flood between her legs. She knew that she needed him. She hooked her thumbs into her panties, pulled them down and stepped out of them. Tom's eyes were fixed on her as she stood in front of him completely naked. Lily looked up and down his body and couldn't help but notice the huge bulge in his pants. „Pants off!“, she commanded Tom. He hesistated for a moment but then began to undress himself until he was completely naked as well. Lily's eyes widened. She had no idea how his massive, rock hard penis was supposed to fit inside her vagina. But it looked so perfect and mouthwateringly good, that it didn't even dawn on her to say no now. „Well...my nipples aren't gonna suck themselves.“

Tom smiled and then practically threw her on the couch. He kissed his way down her neck until he reached her breasts. His tongue flicked her nipples, turning them into little hard peaks. Lily moaned and arched her back, trying to beg him for more. Tom accepted the invitation and his mouth closed around one of her nipples. He sucked it and carressed it with his tongue. The burning between Lily's legs became too much for her to handle and she rolled her hips, trying to get some friction. Tom understood perfectly and one of his hands wandered down between her legs. He ran one of his long fingers along her wet slit.

„Damn, Lily“, he moaned. „You are so wet for me.“

„Because I'm ready. Please take me, Tom. Take me!“ Lily was desperate for him to be inside her. He placed two fingers on her throbbing clit and began to trace slow circles. „Oh god...“ The way he rubbed her felt so good. Lily knew that it wouldn't take long for her to reach an orgasm.

„Do you like it? Does it feel good?“, Tom whispered into Lily's ear.

„So fucking good! Don't stop, don't stop...“ Lily's moans grew louder and louder and she knew she was close. She kissed him hungrily and his tongue immediately went on to devour hers. And then Lily could feel it. She could feel the first contraction in her pussy and prepared herself for the wave of pleasure that was about to wash over her. Right in that moment, Tom pushed his hard cock inside her, stretching Lily's insides so far it was almost painful. She wanted to protest, wanted to scream, especially since he was not wearing any protection. But then he ever so slightly pinched her clit and Lily was gone. She came like a rocket, grinding out her orgasm on his penis, screaming his name in pleasure.

After allowing her a moment to catch her breath, Tom kissed her softly. And then, very slowly, he began to move inside her. Lily was still pulsing inside after her orgasm and at first she thought it would be too much to handle. He was so big and so hard and she didn't know if she could take it. But then she closed her eyes and relaxed her body. The way he stretched her open was delicious and she could feel every bump and vein on his penis. He felt so good inside her, Lily was sure she never wanted to do anything else but have sex with him.

„God, you're so tight“, Tom gasped, his mouth once again right next to her ear. „And the way you're squeezing my cock...it feels so good. You feel so good. You're so warm and wet and tight. Oh Lily, you feel so good.“

His words were enough to push Lily closer to another orgasm. She loved it when men talked dirty. And he did excellent dirty talk in that low and husky voice of his.

„Tom, I want you to come. I want to come with you.“

„No“, he moaned. „I'm not nearly done with you.“

She kissed his softly. „You can torture me with multiple orgasms later. Right now I need you to come. I need that feeling of you shooting your load inside me. Please, Tom. Please!“ She reached between her legs and rubbed her clit to hurry things along on her way to the next orgasm. Lily already felt her insides quivering again.

„Oh god, if you do that, you will make me come.“

Lily giggled as this was exactly her plan. She rubbed herself even faster and eventually gave into another orgasm. Her legs began to shake violently and she moaned out loud. Her pussy tightened around Tom and just a moment later, he moaned as well. Lily felt his warm cum inside her and let her head fall back on the pillows. She knew that everything about this was wrong on so many levels and that it would complicate her relationship with Tom by a million. But it also felt so right. Feeling Tom inside her, his sweaty head resting on her chest while she stroked his hair...it felt like everything she ever wanted. Well...almost everything...

 


	8. Not Good Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After sleeping with Tom, Lily is more than just a little confused. And when talking to her best friend, she reveals why she wants nothing more than run from her feelings...

„Lily, what's going on??“ Sophie looked after her best friend as she stormed into the living room. She hadn't heard from her in quite a while and now she showed up at her door looking positively shaken.

„Are we alone?“, Lily asked.

Sophie was immediately worried. „Ben and the kids are playing in the yard.“ Lily let herself fall onto the couch. „Please talk to me. You're starting to freak me out.“ She sat down next to her.

Lily took a deep breath. „I slept with Tom.“

„Really??“ A large smile appeared on Sophie's face, much to Lily's confusion. „Good.“ Lily shook her head. „It wasn't good?“

„Are you kidding me?! It was mind-blowing. Earth-shattering. Life-changing. The things the man can do with his fingers, his mouth, his...“

„Oooookay“, Sophie interrupted her. „I'm not sure I want any more details on this.“

Lily rolled her eyes. „I don't even care. You introduced me to him, you tried to set us up, so now you'll have to put up with me telling you about it. Because I really need to talk about it.“

„Okay, fine.“ Sophie got up and poured them both a drink. „Tell me about it.“

Lily took a deep breath. „You know that we've been...hanging out.“

„Let's say it how it is. You've been dating.“

„No!“, Lily protested. Sophie was annoyed because she was entirely convinced that her and Tom were indeed very much dating. But she didn't dare to argue in this moment. „We've been seeing each other quite frequently of late. And after Diana was admitted to the ER yesterday...“

„Hang on...“, Sophie cut in. „Diana was in the ER?“

Lily nodded. „She fell of a ladder at Emma's place and was admitted with a concussion and, as it turned out later, a brain bleed. So I had to operate on her.“

„Oh my god.“ Sophie looked positively shocked. „Is she alright?“

„Yes, she is doing great. It took her a bit of time to wake up after the surgery, but once she did, it was clear that everything went perfectly. I went to check on her this morning and she is doing just fine.“

Sophie sighed. „Thank god. But...what does that have to do with you and Tom.“

„If you would just let me talk...“ It was obvious that Lily was very upset. „After her surgery, I convinced Tom to come to my place to take shower. And one thing just led to another and suddenly we were naked on top of each other.“ Sophie was still unsure whether she wanted to know that many details about a man who was almost like a brother to her. But she could tell that Lily needed someone to listen to her. „I knew it was wrong the entire time. But dear god, it felt good. You know that it's been a while since I've been with a man. And he just knew how to scratch every single itch. We were at it all night, all over my flat. I barely slept because he kept waking me up with with his fingers or his tongue between my legs. Seriously, Sophie, I don't think I could ever get enough of that.“

„Why would you have to? Personally, I haven't spoken to Tom in quite a while, but I know that Ben has. And from what he told him, he is quite smitten with you. I always knew that there was something between the two of you. So I'm glad that you both finally admit it to yourselves as well.“

Lily frantically shook her head. „No no no... what happened last night is done and I can't change it. Part of me doesn't even want to change it. But it can't ever lead anywhere.“

Sophie reached for Lily's hand. „Why do you keep fighting it? He is obviously getting to you. You like him. So why do you still fight your feelings?“

„Because...“ Lily took a deep breath. She knew that it was time to tell Sophie the truth. „Because I will never be good enough for him. He deserves so much more than what I can offer.“

„Oh for heaven's sake, Lily! Most of the time it's endearing that you're rather humble, but this is just ridiculous. You are a smart, succesful and beautiful woman. And you know that you could make him happy. So why don't you just give into it?“

„Because I could never be woman enough for him!“ The desperation in her voice caused Sophie to worry. „You and I both know that he is the kind of man you marry. He is the kind of man you would love to be the father of your children. I've seen him with the kids at the hospital and with Kit and Hal, and I know that he would make a great father. But with me he never will be.“

Sophie was confused and didn't really understand where Lily was going with this. „Lily, what is going on? Just tell me.“

„Do you remember the years before Michael and I broke up?“ Sophie nodded her head. Of course she remembered the time when her brother was heartbroken over losing the woman he loved. And to this day, she didn't really know why things ended. „I was MIA for quite a long time before eventually breaking up with him.“

„Yes, I know. None of us saw you in weeks, there were even rumours of you being at the hospital. Michael kept asking your father, but he was as drunk and useless as always. So we had no chance but to wait until you were ready to talk to him again. But he never really got any answers from you, not in all the years you were together after that. But according to him, things were never really the same after that.“

Lily sighed. „The rumours were true, I was at the hospital. I had a prolapsed uterus, most likely from having to lift my father into bed every night for years. One day it just happend and I had to have a hysterectomy. At the age of 17.“

„Lily, I'm so sorry...“

„There really isn't a way to prepare yourself for something like this“, Lily continued as if she hadn't heard her friend. „I felt so ashamed afterwards, and it only got worse the more Michael tried to be supportive and understanding.“

„Hang on...does he know?“, Sophie asked.

„Of course not! Even when I left for Oxford, he constantly kept talking about marrying and making me the mother of his children one day. We had been together since I was 12 and I loved him. So much. And I wanted nothing more than exactly that. I wanted to have a family with him. But I knew that it would never happen and I just couldn't bear to lie to him anymore.“

„You should have just told him!“ Sophie sounded quite upset now.

„Just tell him? Really?! Sophie, you have two beautiful and healthy children. And you know that when the time comes and you want a third one, all you two have to do is have lots and lots of sex and then it will happen for you. Again. You waited until you were very well in your thirties to settle down with a man and even think about starting a family. For me, it's a dream that was over before I even really turned into a woman. And your brother...“ Lily closed her eyes and tried to collect her thoughts. „He kept talking baby names with me, for heaven's sake! We were young back then, but he was already ready to become a father. And I knew that I could never give him what he wanted. So I did the only fair thing.“

„You lied to him!“, Sophie yelled.

„But only to protect him!“ Tears now ran down Lily's cheeks. „Do you think it was easy for me to let go of the man I loved? Because believe me, it wasn't. Just like it isn't easy for me now to walk away from Tom.“

Sophie raised an eyebrow. „Really? That's what you're gonna do?“

„Do I have a choice?“

„Grow up and be honest for once in your life!!“ Lily couldn't believe that her best friend was talking to her like that. „Lily, I love you and I know that you've had to handle more crap in your life than anyone ever should. I thought losing your mother and brother and, in a way, your father too, was already bad enough. You're right, I do have two beautiful sons and they are the family I always wanted. Had I been unable to have kids, I don't even know what that would have done to me. So I think I can imagine at least a little bit how hard things must have been for you, especially since you went through it by yourself. But it was your choice! You could have told someone. At least me or the man you were supposedly in love with. Maybe it all can be forgiven because you were young and scared. But times have changed, Lily. You're a grown up woman now and you always claim to be fierce and strong. Now act like it!“

Lily sighed and buried her face in her hands. „What do you want me to do here?“

„Talk to him!! Like I said, it's obvious that he likes you, maybe even more. He always has trouble letting someone in, which is why the man is still single, even though there are legions of women worshipping at his feet. That's why Ben and I tried to fix him up with someone. It was my idea because I really thought you'd be good for him. And from what I can tell, you two would make a great team. If that's not what you want, fine. But then have the balls to talk to him. Don't use your life's tragedies as an excuse. Don't walk away from him just because of that. And most importantly, don't lie to him. I understand why you are worried about this. But I know Tom and I'm sure this isn't something he would ever hold against you. If he really likes you, which I think he does, you can get through this together. But don't lie to him! He doesn't deserve that.“

Lily downed her drink in one and then stared at the empty glass. She knew that Sophie was right. She knew that she had to talk to him. But she liked him more than she wanted to admit to even herself. And she knew that being honest with him could change everything. Because what if he wasn't fine with it?!

 


End file.
